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My wife and I raised four daughters through school day traumas of isolation, rejection, ostracism and dissociation, and bullying. While none of our daughters were on the receiving end of all of these hateful practices, each experienced one or more personally, and each saw them foisted upon others. It was our duty, as parents, to guide them through these experiences by teaching them how to deal with the pain, and by helping rebuild their shattered psyches after each experience.
We found it was just as important to instill in them empathy and compassion for others suffering through the same trauma. We wanted to teach them to look less at the pain they were experiencing and more to the pain of others who they could help. Our belief was that our kids needed to learn how to give of their compassion, understanding, and love in their every day lives. Here are five basic concepts that helped us in our efforts.
1. You are a good person. One of the most important elements in a giving heart is a sense of self worth that enables a person to step away from his own problems and focus on the issues of others. To be true givers, children need to have confidence in themselves. Build their self-esteem, but not because they might be the "prettiest," "smartest," "best athlete," or "most popular," but rather because they are empathetic and compassionate people. If they cry when a person they know dies or they understand the pain when a friend gets hurt or they help a neighbor in need, it is these feelings and actions that make them good people.
2. Discuss issues of evil and sadness in the world. Getting children to sit and carry on a discussion about the issues of the day can be virtually impossible. With homework, music lessons, sports practice, electronics, friends, and every other conceivable interference, it’s difficult to find a moment to have a conversation other than "hi." But it’s vital that we do. It is our task to find those moments where we can say "Did you hear about …?" and "Do you think there’s anything we could (or should) do about …?" We need to ask them about any sad or evil events of which they are aware, and how they feel "we" should react. Despite the hesitation our child may express at first, the truth is that once we get them talking, we have moved them away from focus on self and to thoughts about the plight of others – an essential step in imprinting the concept of giving onto their hearts.
3. Think of someone at school who needs help. Encourage your child to think of someone at school who might need empathy, compassion, or simply a friend. Suggest they look beyond their immediate circle of friends and identify someone who might be viewed as a "geek," a "nerd," an outcast. Talk to your child about how that person must feel; try to get your child to try on that person’s shoes so that they understand how painful that person’s experiences are. Then discuss how your child might be able to help, even with something as simple as a kind word.
4. Talk to friends at school about those in need. Encourage your children to step up in their peer groups to convince friends not to judge those previously deemed below them. "I heard his parents can’t afford to get him good soccer shoes; maybe we can figure out a way to help. He’s a pretty good player." "Her mother’s been really sick. Maybe we should ask her to join us and see if she needs help." Or just plain, "She looks weird, I know, but she’s a nice person, just a little shy."
The point here is that our child steps up and gives herself to the pain and suffering of those ridiculed by her group. Peer pressure makes this one very difficult, and a parent’s discussion about the proper approach to the peers is essential. It doesn’t require that your child take over the leadership role from the "king" or "queen" of the group, but rather that she use her subtle influence and intelligence to move the leader to compassion that the others will follow.
5. Stand up against injustice even if alone. Our children know right from wrong because we have taught and continue to teach them the difference. When they see bullying or other injustice in their schools or other social settings, they must step up to protect the weak and bullied.
The most difficult thing for the normal "non-leader" child is to become visible by asserting themselves. It’s difficult because by standing up within the group or outside the group, the child is challenging leadership and risks becoming the butt of jokes or the one who is bullied. This is why parental guidance in the art of subtlety within the group, and of strength of purpose outside the group is essential. In conjunction with that guidance, our child’s knowledge that we, as parents, have his back when he steps up, gives him the strength he needs to stand tall.
Teaching our children to give is the essence of our duty as parents. It’s an enormous undertaking, yet what better gift can we give our world than a child who "gives" herself in the fight against injustice, cruelty and inequality?
Darryl Nyznyk is a full-time storyteller and father of four grown daughters. As a parent, he began to take a hard look at the world around him - one of extreme political and social divisiveness – and as an author, he wanted to share the message with the world that he had been telling in his own home for years....a message of hope, love and faith. He is the author of Mary’s Son: A Tale of Christmas.
Enter the Mary’s Son: A Tale of Christmas contest!
Readers: Comment on the post with what your favorite charity is and why. Darryl will choose a grand prize winner and match a donation of up to $100. The winner will also receive a signed copy of Mary’s Son.